Mom,
Where do I begin?
What do I say?
Why am I even doing this?
Deep breath…..
I inch right to the edge of the emotional cliff as I begin to write you a letter, but I’m overwhelmed by the physical sensations that I have no control over. My heart is pounding out of my chest, my hands are shaking and I have chills up and down my body as though a cold breeze just blew through the room.
Deep breath….
I want to be complete in our relationship, but how do I accomplish that when we have NO relationship. The sad part is that I’m really ok with it the way it is! There has been a sense of freedom not having to worry about every word I say (or don’t say) and every action I take (or don’t take), knowing that you frequently misinterpreted my intentions. There is freedom in not having to please you, not having to do it your way, not having to explain myself to you. There is FREEDOM!
I’m no longer angry, for I believe you did the best you could. But there is sadness, because your best wasn’t good enough. It left me robbed of the opportunity to experience what a mother-daughter relationship should be or could be in its purest form.
I don’t say this to hurt you, but I want you to know that I’m OK in spite of our relationship. Over the years I have established relationships with many women that helped to fill the void of not having you in my life. Women that have supported me, laughed with me, shopped with me, talked about raising children with me, encouraged me, drank wine with me, cried with me, shared authentically with me…..and loved me unconditionally – like a mom should!
I am most grateful for the fact that my boys are OK in spite of our dysfunctional relationship! Being your daughter, I learned all the ways I didn’t want to be and all the things I didn’t want to say with my children. My proudest accomplishment in life is the depth of relationship I have with both Ben and Peter! We have mutual respect, we talk when we disagree, we laugh together, we apologize when we hurt each other, and they know without question how special they are – exactly as they are, and how much they are loved!
I needed to dump all that baggage so I could clear the way to share what I really want to say. I want you to know that there are happy memories too – life lessons, family traditions and joyful moments that I have been able to hold onto and incorporate in my adult life.
1. Your love of the beach was ingrained in me. When I sit at the beach, mesmerized by the repetition of the waves crashing on the shore, I feel connected to you, knowing how much you love being at the ocean’s edge.
2. I think of you when I see the color purple. I still have the amethyst jewelry you gave me, although I can’t remember the last time I wore it? I suddenly have the urge to dig through my jewelry box in search of it!
3. I used to think you were so strange for eating apples with natural peanut butter – and now it is one of our favorite (almost daily) snacks!
4. You made birthdays SO special! You would wake me up at 12:01 am to be the very first person to wish me a happy birthday! You taught me to fully celebrate the meaning of someone’s birthday and gave me the freedom to allow it to last longer than just 24 hours.
5. You gave the longest hugs! I didn’t really enjoy it as a child, but when I embrace Ben or Peter in a hug, I am never the one to initiate the ending of it! I will stay there with my arms wrapped around them as long as they will allow me!
6. You made the most amazing chocolate mousse that I have ever tasted! It was rich in taste, but oh so light in its texture! I have never been able to duplicate it like you. After I find the amethyst jewelry I think I’ll search for the chocolate mousse recipe – it’s time to try it again.
7. Watching Howie Mandel portray his ‘Bobby’ character or put a latex glove on his head made us laugh so hard we would snort, which made us laugh even harder, which made us snort some more….until tears of joy rolled down our faces.
8. At night when you tucked me in, you would stroke my head and softly sing me to sleep. Your repertoire included ‘Little Girl Kneels’, ‘Five Pennies’ and ‘You Are My Sunshine’. The day I became a mom I picked up where you left off – singing the same 3 songs to both Ben and Peter (my version is ‘Little Boy Kneels’). I felt your love when you sang to me, and my heart still feels love for you when I sing to my boys.
Our relationship was flawed to a point that it couldn’t continue, but in the midst of that – you left a positive mark, you made a difference and I know you loved me.
with Joy & Gratitude,
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